Jonah Fights the City Part 3 – #Tindies


Their hopes of winning the festival now dashed, our heroes find themselves wallowing in a pool of their own self pity. Move over cancer, genocide, and world hunger, because what happened to Jonah and Owen at the end of the last episode is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to a person ever. Absolutely. As the hour of the award ceremony draws near, all the pair can do now  is pray for a swift death. Brace yourselves true believers, because this one’s a doozy!

What do sad boys like us do when we find ourselves deep in depression’s bosom?

Buy and eat an entire cake of course.

And so that’s exactly what we did. Carlo’s Bakery, a high end glutton palace run by that one dude from the show Cake Boss, was right around the corner from the AMC Theater. Our original intent was to pop in and buy a couple of cheap cookies to ease the pain. By the time we walked through the front door, we knew that weren’t leaving that place without something substantial.

We spent our entire time in line giggling uncontrollably, to the point where we must have looked like a couple of lunatics Once they handed us our cake, our giggles turned into this horrific, shrill laughter. Why were we laughing? I personally think it was because the entire trip had taken such a hard turn for the worst in the last hour that it was almost comical. Continue reading “Jonah Fights the City Part 3 – #Tindies”

Jonah Fights the City Part 2 – Ain’t no love in the Heart of the City


After surviving a United Airlines flight, Jonah and his much more likable brother in arms Owen find themselves in the middle of the urban jungle. With vigor in their hearts and easily stealable wallets in their loose pockets, the pair sally forth into the great unknown. Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf the White must travel west in an effort to convince the Rohrrim Tribes to aid the Kingdom of Gondor in the coming war against the dark legions of Sauron.

The ride from the airport to the hotel was the first moment of levity I had had all day. Travel doesn’t really stress me out as much as keep me on my toes. Even during my residency at the airport, all I could think about was how I needed to ensure that the rest of my journey would go smoothly.

Even while on the plane I couldn’t relax, but that was for a number of reasons. Here is a comprehensive list of them.

  1. I, in all of my infinite wisdom and foresight, had forgotten that Spotify did not work well with airplanes. So my ride was going to be a tuneless one right out of the gate.
  2.  I had absolutely no idea how we were going to get from the airport to the hotel. I mean I figured we would just take an Uber, but then there was the question of how many shekels it would cost us.
  3. The couple sitting next to me on the plane were from Australia, which wouldn’t have been a problem if I hadn’t represented New Zealand in Model United Nations club earlier that week. I spent the whole ride praying to Lorde and Peter Jackson that they wouldn’t break my fragile, Kiwi legs.
  4. Once the plane started to descend, my ears found out that I had to cut part of their Christmas bonuses for that year, and decided that the best course of action was to put me through a skull crushingly intense pain.

Overall, three out of five stars.

I turned to Owen, who was taking footage of the rolling cityscape with the camera he had brought with him. I’m sure the rays of sunlight shining through the New York skyline were a very profound sight to behold. I wouldn’t know because I was checking Tinder.

It was at that point that I realized that Owen and I had never actually discussed how our film would do in the competition, so I brought it up. The fest had roughly all of the same categories as the Oscars, like best picture, screenplay, direction, etc. After some discussion, we decided that we had a fighting chance in most of the categories, going so far as to say that actually winning something was not too far off.

Our confidence would not have been as high if it hadn’t been for what had happened a couple weeks earlier. Continue reading “Jonah Fights the City Part 2 – Ain’t no love in the Heart of the City”

Jonah Fights the City Part 1 – Airport Man


In October of 2017, amateur college sad man and garbage peddler Jonah Nink embarked on a country wide adventure to participate in the All American High School Film Festival. This is especially depressing considering the fact that Jonah was a college freshman at the time, literally breaking the first rule of the festival right out of the gate. This multi-part series is a highly hyperbolic, poorly written, and nonsensical version of his story.  

Call me Ishmael.

Don’t actually do that. That is not my name.

Nothing is more depressing than having to wake up at 3 AM. Normally when one wakes up, they expect the soft rays of morning sunshine to float down from heaven’s bosom and land tenderly on their cheek bones with the grace and precision of a South Korean DOTA champion.

This is not what happens when you wake up at 3 AM.  

Continue reading “Jonah Fights the City Part 1 – Airport Man”